In another post that I’ll write when I feel like being even more depressed, my body is completely different than it was when I first started having kids. The irony is that the ONLY (and I mean, seriously, only) part on me that hasn’t changed is my vajayjay. Maybe my ear canal hasn’t changed too I guess.
I recently had to pack my biggest suitcase full of clothes that no longer fit. Not because of my weight, but because of the crazy loose skin and diastasis recti. I could just toss them, but I’m trying everything I can to repair the stomach gap in hopes of wearing those clothes. And they’re not even super fancy, some of them are just plain tshirts that I really like.
To top it off, I don’t even know current fashion anymore. 2 of the past 4 years were spent pregnant, so that negates my wardrobe, plus another year of breastfeeding where all I wore on weekends were nursing tops. That leaves my closet pretty bare.
I’m not a big fan of today’s fashion, it’s a little too late-80s/early-90s (meh, everything comes back 20 years later, I was dreading this part). Leggings? Sorry, not flattering on anyone who isn’t 90 pounds and tall. I don’t care if they’re comfy. They’re the flip flops of pants. Only acceptable if worn under a really, really long tunic. Baggy tank tops? They’re pretty much all you wear when pregnant, why would I want to wear that normally? Crop tops? Sigh, I used to wear them…the first time they were in fashion. Skinny jeans: oh hell no. Again, unless you’re 90lbs, avoid skinny jeans. I used to work in retail and after staring at various women trying on that crap, you realize that a bootcut or flare will always, always, always be more flattering.
I decided to give StitchFix a try after my friend Jen raved about it. And this is where I’m an asshole, because I could have given her store credit when I signed up but it seems that all of this lame-ass subscription sites now don’t allow you to use your friend’s email as a referral, it has to be a direct link. Since this was kind of a spontaneous thing, I signed up not realizing I couldn’t put her email in and by then it was too late to contact her and get a link.
StitchFix in a nutshell: you pay $20 to have someone shop for you, if you like the items you get $20 off and if not, send it all back (minus $20, so the gamble is that you may not want anything and you’re out $20).
I completed my “style profile” and made my intentions pretty clear: no maxi dresses (like I need to trip over myself when running after my kids), nothing dry-clean only, no jewelry (my issue is my wardrobe, accessories i can worry about later. plus I don’t “do” chunky necklaces).
My biggest worry is my size. I’m fairly petite, I weigh less than I did before both kids. However thanks to that stomach (“no, I’m not pregnant, but thanks for asking!” sigh), I run 2 sizes bigger in anything that can fit around the stomach. Basically, only maternity clothes look good on me. You can’t just tell a pregnant person to wear 2 sizes bigger, because it’s baggy in all the wrong spots.
So let’s get to the nuts and bolts of what I got in this box. I “cheated” by looking online at what they sent me. You can do this by starting the Checkout process, the list of clothes show up. There’s no pics, but Google gave me a rough idea of what some of these pieces would look like. I’m not a fan of surprises which is probably not ideal when you subscribe to surprise boxes.
I didn’t photograph myself in these outfits because I look like death by the end of the day, I hate mirror photos, and the lighting in my room is garbage anyway. I barely get dolled up to go to work every day, I’m not slapping on makeup to show you mofos how crappy an outfit looks on me. StitchFix provides little cards that show you how to wear a piece, so that’s what I’m showing you.
My goal: keep one item, since I already paid $20 towards this.
41 Hawthorn Filbert 3/4 Sleeve Popover Blouse, $58
I suspect that it’s fancier to put a full name on something other than to say “green shirt”. Totally not something I would normally wear because I’m too lazy to iron but meh, that’s what Downy Wrinkle Release is for. It was really staticky. I felt like I was one step from the electric chair. I would have kept this as my “keep one” item but it was too big, so it was too long and girls like me with no chest can’t wear low-cut stuff because it ends up showing my belly button. Even with a padded bra, all it does is show the bra itself. Verdict? Pass.
41Hawthorn Kristina Leopart Print Pencil Skirt $64
I really liked this skirt. It’s WAY too pricey for an unlined skirt, but pencil skirts are the shiz. It was stretchy and dropped to the perfect spot. The problem is that it was just too big on me and pencil skirts need to fit fairly snug to look good. Totally bummed about that. Verdict? Pass.
Fun2Fun Susie Solid V-Neck Tank $44
This shirt was bright orange. I’m pretty sure if I ate this shirt, I would glow from within. I was still willing to give this a shot despite having a similar shirt (in a more muted color) but there was a rip in the seam. Verdict: oh hell no.
Liverpool Odell Capri Jean $78
How is a partial pair of jeans seventy eight bucks?! This was a pass from the start, I don’t “do” capris. No one should do them. No guy has ever said “yeah, those capris were sexy as hell on her”. Why would you cut the visual line of your calves in half? So that you can look shorter and stumpier? Clothes should make you look good, capris are the next step to purposely maiming your face. Sadly there wasn’t enough room on my comment box to include all of this. Even worse, this was the only piece that actually fit. And the first time in my life that I’ve ever actually put on a pair of capris, and hopefully the last. Verdict: Just no. NO.
C.Luce Ciera Sleeveless Sheath Dress $64
In the end, I ended up keeping this. It was still too big, but at this point everything was too big and I can get away by wearing a cardigan over it to make it look a bit less baggy. Plus for a dress like this to not be dry-clean-only was pretty nice. And it did cover up my pooch, which I can imagine will come in handy if I have to go to something fancy last minute and I’m having a crisis over my body.
Will I keep StitchFix? Sure, for a few more boxes. (I went back and changed my size down for everything to see if things will fit better next month.) It’s easy to take the pieces you like and find cheaper alternatives. It’s like going shopping with a friend who will say “just f*cking humor me and try this on”. When you’ve spent 30-something years shopping for one body shape, you sometimes need a bit of help when you find yourself overnight with a whole new body to clothe.