Next week is my c-section and I can’t begin to tell you how badly I just want to be DONE with pregnancy. I don’t do pregnancy well that’s for sure.
Here are all the ailments I’ve got, head to toe:
Face: my whole face is a hot mess. I have the hairiest upper lip and today I plucked my eyebrows when I realized I was one step from being Bert and Ernie’s third roommate. My undereye circles are massive. This is in part to my inability to properly lean over the sink and wash my face (I have to contort my body when I do), thus leaving remnants of makeup on me each night before going to bed.
Shoulders and back: needless to say, a 45lbs bowling ball attached to your belly will totally f*ck up your back. We bought a brand new bed and I can’t even tell if it’s comfortable or not because I spend all night in pain.
Esophagus: oh heartburn. Fun times.
Belly: it hurts. A ton. Covered in stretch marks. After 2 doctor’s appointments, it has been determined that I have a stretched nerve. Whenever people would tell me about nerve pain or pinched nerves, I didn’t think it was a big deal. OHHHHH how wrong I was. This is single-handedly the most painful thing I’ve experienced in all my pregnancies. Worse than the tailbone pain, worse than c-section pain, worse than every papercut on the planet. It feels like a stab, a rip, and a burn all at the same time. I feel the pain all the time: from Braxton Hicks contractions, when I cough, when I twist my body, when something presses against my stomach, sometimes just breathing. The only relief I get is when I ice it, which isn’t something I can do all the time because I spend a chunk of my time out of the house taking my son to his therapies. The odd day that I can just lay down, ice it, and have my husband watch my son is like complete heaven.
Oh and the Braxton Hicks on their own are no walk in the park on their own.
Hips: still feeling some pain, mostly related to my legs (which are apparently not even in their sockets according to the physical therapist I saw). If I stand up without paying attention, my right leg will turn inward, causing a stabbing pain through my entire leg.
Ass: same ol’ sob story about tailbone pain. Let’s add to that some serious hemorrhoids. I didn’t get them with my last pregnancy. Right now they’re so big, my butt looks like an un-neutered bulldog’s balls. I think it’s all the excess weight when I sit down. It’s not from constipation, which at this point I just use a suppository to take care of business. My butt very much wants the excess weight off of my body.
Vajayjay: when I toss and turn at night, it’s like i’m ripping my girl part apart. I think it ties back to the hips widening. To top it off, i’m dripping goo like it’s no man’s business. There are days I’ll feel a “gush” and next thing I know, it’s like 2-3 tablespoons of girly goo leaked out of me. I swiped some test strips from my obgyn’s office to test to make sure this goo isn’t from my water breaking.
Legs: all this extra weight fatigues my leg big time. Top that off, there’s a sh*t ton of extra blood volume going through me. I drink on average 2L of liquid a day, I’ve been so incredibly thirsty. All that excess blood will put a number on your veins. Compression stockings are a huge help, however I only have one pair and they need to air-dry when washed. Plus they take around 15 minutes to put on…getting dressed is already hard enough as it is. Still, they’re wonderful whenever I do wear them.
Feet: nothing to say other than i could be a foot model for anyone needing a Hobbit stand-in.
One week, 2 days to go….